An Idiot's guide to Saving the World
by Treestar14
Summary: When Simon Honeydew, A half-dwarf of Khaz Modan, woke up in the morning, it never occured to him that by the end of the day he would be talking to people in his head. But maybe Lewis isn't quite as imaginary as he first apears... (A retelling of the Yogscast's Shadow of Israphel, and also AU. Formerly called 'The voices in my head')
1. How not to start your day

**Jerry: LOZ WHAT THE NETHER HAVE YOU DONE.**

**Me: ... I may have gotten bored. Ah ha, ah hahahaha. Egnazol is under editing, so I got distracted.**

**Jerry: Excuses.**

**Me: I'M SORRY IT WAS THE PLOT BUNNIES NOT ME.**

**Jerry: pffft. Sure.**

**Me: anyway, this can become a multi-chapter fic, if anyone likes it. If not, imagine that they go and start the videos after this. Meh. REVEIW SO I KNOW IF YOUS LIKES IT.**

**Jerry: CREEPER! **

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**Edit: Right, because 'The voices in my head' was only a temporary name, This fic shall now be named... **

**An Idiot's guide to Saving the world!**

**Haha. Anyway, read on, and the next chapter shalt arrive soon.** ** And before you ask, all the Norse runes in here translate directly to english, and are based off the Dwarven script used by the Dwarves of Erebor in the Hobbit. I considered using the tradtional norse alphabet, but this was more fun. Yeah, I'm obsessed with runes.**

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ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ

(An Idiot's guide to Saving the World.)

ᚲᚻᚫᛈᛏᚫᚱ᛫ᚩᚾᛖ

How _not_ to start your day.

Simon Honeydew was a Dwarf. Mostly. In actual fact, he was half Dwarf and half Minecraftian, making him quite a bit taller than the average Dwarf, but still shorter than your average Minecraftian. Other than that, his personality was quite Dwarfish, being quite fond of spending lots of time at the local brewery, hoarding anything that sparkled, and digging holes wherever he could. Admittedly he wasn't exactly good at any of these things, as he was often thrown out of bars for drinking too much (even for Dwarven standards), and was awfully clumsy at the best of times. The Dwarven passion for mining had not combined well with his longer-than-average arms.

You can imagine how he had fared when trying to maintain a job in the mines below Khaz Modan. He'd been kicked out and banned from the mines quite quickly, actually, after an incident that involved an iron pick, a particularly nasty Dwarf who picked on Honeydew for his parentage, and some smuggled-in booze.

But his job troubles hadn't stopped there. His clumsiness had caused further problems when trying to get a job as the furnaces. There, he'd managed to ruin about five days' worth of work in one minute and as a result got kicked out on his ass yet again.

Simon had begun to wonder if there was actually anything he could do without failing. Sure, he was a great guy to be around, always joking and laughing, but that really amounted to nothing when you didn't have any money to buy beer with.

In a last-ditch attempt to get a job, he resorted to applying for an apprenticeship at the crafting workshops. Normally, the crafting gene was incompatible with Dwarves, so the workshops where inhabited by Minecraftians; the only way that a Dwarf could possibly craft by him or herself was either through a bug (which often led to said Dwarf's untimely fall through the world and into the void), or by having a Minecraftian parent who carried the genes themself. The chances of the second option happening where tiny, but apparently not tiny enough, because, as it turned out, Simon had inherited the genes from his parent.

So it was arranged that at dawn, two weeks after the disaster at the furnaces, Simon Honeydew would come up to the crafting workshop and show the crafters what he could do. This is just about when our story begins.

~᛬ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ᛬~

Honeydew stretched, greeting the dawn with a loud yawn. Of course, he couldn't see the sunrise, Khaz Modan being completely underground, and the only way he knew it was the crack of dawn was because of the gold clock on the wall. He rubbed his eyes and got slowly out of bed. He felt like he could just fall back into bed and sleep for the next week, but he knew he had to get up if he wanted the job.

_Some people just don't appreciate a good, long sleep in_, a voice said grumpily in his head, as he strapped on his belts and other pieces of armour he wore normally. Honeydew fervently agreed with the voice as he stifled another yawn.

He made his way out of his room, passing a few other Dwarves who glanced curiously at him as he passed, but otherwise ignored him. Dwarves tended to sleep in, unless they were required to do otherwise. Some called Dwarves the race that enjoyed itself just a bit too much- and unfortunately that was more than true.

Simon expertly navigated the winding passages, slowly but surely making his way up. The workshops were at the uppermost level of Khaz Modan, mostly because the Minecraftians that worked there sometimes got depressed (and occasionally went insane) if they stayed underground too long. They said that they heard strange noises when dark caves where nearby, but the Dwarves never heard anything. Simon, personally, was less than happy about the long climb he was going to have to take to get there.

The actual climb took no more than five minutes, but Simon was panting by the time he got there. Despite looking a lot less stout than the usual Dwarf, he was really rather unfit. Certainly not any danger over a short distance let alone a long one. As he entered the workshops themselves, a tall Minecraftian turned to look at him curiously.

"Simon Honeydew?" he asked, staring at him. Simon wondered that exactly he was staring at- was it his bright ginger hair, or the patches of sweat staining his clothes, or his height? Oh, it had better not be his height.

"Yeah," Simon declared, daring the Minecraftian to comment on his stature, "Honeydew's the name, TNT's the game."

The Minecraftian raised an eyebrow sceptically (or was that scornfully? Or even disgustedly?) and turned to call for someone called 'Roger'.

Why that little- how dare he! Simon was known all over as a TNT expert!

_Disgusting, snobby, son-of-an-alien._

Son of an alien? That was a new one. Simon wasn't actually sure what an alien was- didn't it have something to do with night-creatures?

Before he could think any further, another Minecraftian appeared, who had a spectacular blonde beard and tangled hair. He didn't have to reach far down to offer Simon his hand.

"Roger Woodcraft," he said as Simon shook the man's hand, "Nice to finally meet the man behind the stories."

Behind the stories? Great Notch above, he hoped that they weren't just going to throw him out before he inadvertently caused a disaster.

But Roger was laughing, and indicating the man who had insulted Simon's TNT. "Of course, you have already met Frank Lovepetal here."

Simon stared with disbelief at the man. 'Lovepetal'? Really?

Frank was glaring venomously at Roger, who ignored him and cheerily led Simon over to an alcove in the workshop which was lined with chests. He explained that this was where all the materials where kept, restocked daily from the furnaces and the surface. He went on the say that if Honeydew wanted the job, he was going to be looking after the mining end of business- sorting out the metal bars and telling them if there was something wrong with them. Roger was trying to start him off small, and then work him into areas he was less familiar with.

"Eventually, you'll be in charge of your own line of crafting, but for now we'll go slow." Roger said, and Simon struggled to pull his mind out of the gutter for a moment. Roger was still talking. "... but before all that, I have a test for you."

"A test? What kind of test?" Simon asked warily. "It's not one of those tests that involves running into a dark room with a monster spawner in it, is it? Because I don't like those ones, nah-ah."

"No, no. I just want you to craft me something, so I can see how skilled you are already."

Simon nodded, relieved. "What do you want me to craft?"

"I don't care what, just something that shows your skill. You can use the items in the chests."

Simon thought for a moment. What could he craft? Something fairly complex, certainly, not just a crafting table or some sticks. But building a piston or a music block was way beyond his grasp. He settled for something a little simpler, but still slightly unusual.

He picked through the chests for a moment, before making his way over to a crafting table and setting out the ingredients in the correct order. Roger and Frank came over to watch as the items flashed and a grey lump of flint and a piece of metal was left sitting on the bench. Roger, frowning, reached forward and picked it up, frowning. "Flint and tinder?"

Simon shrugged, remembering all the times he'd had to craft it to light some TNT. It really was a beautiful tool.

Frank was staring at it too now, and said contemptuously; "It looks weird... Are you sure it's flint and tinder?"

Simon was absolutely appalled; first the Minecraftian had insulted his TNT, now he was insulting his crafting too!

"I've never had any problems with it," Simon snarled at Frank, "What, do you usually get the flint and the iron the wrong way round?"

Frank looked at the Dwarf with his earlier look of scorn, and Simon almost punched him there and them. Luckily Roger interrupted.

"Actually, Honeydew, our flint and tinder _does_ look different. Here, I'll show you," the bearded crafter pulled some items out of his pocket and expertly crafted another flint and tinder. Simon was surprised to see that the flint was a lot smoother and symmetrical that his was, and the iron thicker and shorter. He stared, confused, at his own creation.

"Perhaps it's a result of you being part Dwarf," Roger said, and Simon studied his face for any malice in his words, but only saw honest curiosity. Roger was too nice to hold Simon's parentage against him.

Then Frank decided to speak up. "It looks like it's mutated," he said, looking at Simon nastily as he spoke, "It probably doesn't even work."

Simon swelled in anger, and it was all he could do to stop himself from grabbing Frank and throttling him. Mutated?! "Sorry to tell you, _love_, but my flint has served me better than any that's been sent down from here."

Frank's eyes darkened when Simon said 'love', clearly thinking of his own last name. "Go on then. Prove it."

"Ah, friends, I really don't think this is a good idea..." Roger said feebly, his words unnoticed by the two arguing Crafters.

Simon was ready to do anything that would make this man take back his words. His chest puffed out in pride as well as indignation, he took his tinder in his hands and swept the lighter across it.

A rain of fire and sparks cascaded onto the wooden floor, setting the block between them alight.

Frank and Roger stared, flabbergasted, wondering how on earth the wood could have set alight so quickly.

Simon crossed his arms, waiting for the admission that his flint _was_ superior.

It was when he realised that the Minecraftian's looks of amazement had turned into horror that he realised something was wrong. He looked back down to see that the fire was now spreading at an impossibly fast rate, quickly circling them and eating into the wooden walls.

"Argh!" Simon cried, "Holy Creepers!" he swore again and again as he tried to stomp out the fire with his foot, but it just relit itself, like one of those magical birthday candles.

Frank ran to find a bucket of water, but Roger had found himself completely surrounded by the flames. Simon wanted to help, but all his energy was going into stopping the fire getting too close to himself. The smoke was now choking him, and it was getting harder and harder to breath.

In a desperate attempt to get out of the flames, Simon dived through a gap in the wall and into a tiny cave, where he curled up and fainted from the sheer shock of it all.

Screams still echoed through his mind.

~᛬ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ᛬~

Simon awoke when he felt a bucket of cold water empty itself on his face. He chocked for a second, sitting up immediately, and looked around through his soaked hair. He'd been dragged out of his shelter and onto what had once been wooden floor, but was now ash and charcoal.

"Simon Honeydew," a rough voice said, and Simon looked up to see a party of Dwarves looking at him, one holding an empty bucket, and one holding a piece of paper. "You are under arrest for arson, destruction of the crafting workshops, and treason..."

Simon groaned, not bothering to listen to the rest. He was doomed. After a minute he felt strong, Dwarven hands lift him to his feet, and lead him out of the room and back downstairs. Simon's mind was still too shocked to retaliate, or even really realise just how deeper shit he was in. He only realised he was in a cell when he realised he was sitting again and heard the iron key of the door click locked. He brought his knees up to his chest.

"Great Notch, Simon," he said aloud to himself. "I've really ballsed it up this time."

_Who's Notch, and Simon? And who uses the term ballsed it up, anyway?_

"Wait, what? Every Dwarf knew the term, ballsed it up. Why did I wonder who I was? And Notch? Who doesn't know about Notch?"

_I don't... wait, Dwarf?_

"I don't understand what's going on! Why is there a voice in my head that doesn't know who Notch is?"

_I was about to ask the same thing, actually. Maybe I'm going senile._

"Oh Notch, my brain is telling me it's going insane. If I wasn't screwed before, I sure as nether am now."

_So Notch is like a deity, or something? Wait, why am I even listening to a weird thing in my head?_

"Good point, me. But I already know Notch is a developer, so why am I confused about this?"

_But I don't know what Notch is. Is developer another word for god?_

"I suppose, but not really... but I already knew that!"

_No I don't!_

"Shut up!"

_No!_

"Stop confusing me! I have enough to go on with as it is!"

_Fine. How about this; you shut up, and I'll shut up._

"Deal."

Silence. Simon was completely and utterly confused, and had to check for a moment that he did know who Notch was. Yes, he still remembered. What an odd thing to happen, then...

Simon had no clock to keep the time with, but he guessed that it was about an hour before the voice in his head started again.

_You know, you really shouldn't be able to make an agreement with your own mind._

"I thought we decided to both shut up!"

_I know, but I've been thinking. Have you ever been able to hear voices in your head like this?_

"Not really. Maybe it was the fire." But thinking about it, he'd had strange thoughts just before that. Son-of-an-alien?

_Fire? ...nevermind. Tell me, who are you?_

"But I know who I am! I'm not even middle aged, yet!" Simon cried, thinking he might be having a mid-life crisis.

_Man up, bitch._ Simon straightened at these words, confused. That wasn't a common Dwarven phrase, and certainly not one he'd use normally. _Now, say who you are._

Simon wondered if this was his mind trying to help him get over the shock. He saw no harm in saying; "Simon Honeydew, of course. Dwarf of Khaz Modan."

_Amazing,_ the weird part of his mind said, _I am Xephos, of the U.S.S Enterprise._

"Is that a ship?"

_...kind of. But don't you understand? You and I are separate people, and somehow we're managing to talk in each other's minds!_

"I suppose we are," Simon acknowledged. "But that still doesn't explain how you don't know about Notch. Everyone knows about Notch, he's the creator."

The thought that came was comforting, but also slightly disdainful. _There are many religions in the universe, Simon Honeydew._

Simon was still confused, but he decided to drop it. "So, where is this U.S.S enterprise? I don't know many ports, but I could probably ask."

_When I said ship, that was only half of what it is. The enterprise is a spaceship._

"What? It's really, really small, to save space?"

_No, you idiot, it's in space! You know! Between planets, solar systems?_

"Oh. That. Like, stars? It flies among the stars?"

_Yes._

"That's possible?"

_Obviously._

"Are you a Minecraftian, then?"

_No. What's a Minecraftian?_

"They're the first creation of Notch, after pigs. They're taller than Dwarves, and live on the surface."

_Oh, a little bit like us then. Or at least, before we left. I suppose you could only call us spacemen now._

"Hm. Xephos the spaceman."

_Oh, you can call me Lewis. Since we're talking in our heads and all._

Simon blinked. "Lewis. What an interesting name."

_Thank you._

Simon sat in what felt like a companionable silence, even though no-one was there to be companionable with. Maybe it was odd that he felt so calm having someone else in his head, but after the events of the day he really didn't care anymore. Perhaps he was going insane, but at least he would get a good conversion from it.

"So, Lewis," the name sounded oddly natural on his tongue, which was a bit creepy, but Simon continued none the less; "How's your day been?"

The voice in his head had a depressing tone. _Terrible, actually._

"That makes two of us. Since I'm still not sure that I'm sane, why don't we just tell each other our sorrows?" Simon said brightly, thinking that hearing about someone else's suffering could only make him feel better.

_Okay,_ Lewis said hesitantly._ I'll go first. It started this morning when I was woken early by the alarms going off._

"Wait, you didn't happen to say that some people didn't appreciate a good sleep in, did you?" Simon asked, remembering the odd thought from the morning. He hadn't noticed that it was odd then, of course.

_I did actually. Obviously you must have heard me... hm. Anyway, the alarms went off because one of the engines in the hyperdrive had malfunctioned. Since I'm the engineer in charge of the hyperdrive, I had to go fix it._

"Is a hyperdrive a kind of piston, or something?" Simon interrupted, curious.

_Kind of. Imagine thousands of tiny pistons in one block. _Lewis said slowly, clearly simplifying it for Simon.

"Oh. And an engineer is someone who deals in Redstone?"

_I'm not entirely sure what Redstone is, but probably. Anyway, as I was saying, I had to fix the motor. The hyperdrives are right at the back of the ship, and they have an airlock there for emergencies. I don't know why, but as I was fixing the motor, the airlock opened and all the air was sucked out of the room, and- and- _Lewis's voice was rising with panic, but Simon was confused.

"Why did the air get sucked out?" he asked.

Lewis took a moment to reply. _Well, space is a vacuum, you know. It sucks everything into it._

"Oh, I get it. Did you get sucked out too?" Simon asked, not realising that this might not be such a tactful thing to ask.

_Almost._ Lewis's voice was emotionless. _Someone managed to remotely close the airlock before I let go. It's probably scarred me for life, though._

Simon frowned. "Must have been scary, I suppose." Not that he could at all grasp just how terrifying the prospect of being sucked out into the nothingness of space was. "A bit like the void…"

_What's the void?_ Lewis asked curiously.

"It's a place beneath the bedrock where the blocks end. If you fall in, you die almost instantly."

_Yes. Space is a lot like the void, then._ Lewis was silent for a moment, then cheerfully said; _now, tell me about your horrible day._

Simon sighed, and began to re-tell what had happened to him, including how he'd managed to fail at so many things previously. Lewis was a good listener, and remained silent as he spoke. When he got up to the bit where he thought Frank must have something against him because of his parentage, he interrupted for the first time.

_So, you're a Dwarf-Minecraftian hybrid?_ He asked curiously.

"yeah." Simon said guardedly. "Can't remember my mum- she dropped me on my dad's doorstep when I was a babby, and ran back off to live with the Minecraftians."

_People pick on you a lot for this, I suppose?_

"Some do, like Frank, and that guy down in the mines. They've always made it clear that I'm different from them." Simon's voice had grown bitter now.

_Touchy subject?_

"Yeah."

_Sorry._

"Anyway, I was saying about the workshops…" Simon went on to finish his tale, up to the present point. "This cell smells a bit too- or perhaps that's just me. I haven't bathed in Notch knows how long."

Lewis's voice radiated amusement. _Ah, from what I know about Dwarves, that can't be too unusual. _

"You got that right." Honeydew looked around, thinking. "I'm not sure whether it's night or not, but nothing's happened for a while. I expected someone to come and talk to me a while ago."

_Hm. I don't know. I'm in a windowless room at the moment._

"Fat lot of help you are. They-" quite suddenly, Simon heard loud footsteps coming towards his cell. "There's someone coming."

_Do you think I'm going to be able to hear you talking to them?_

"I dunno. But keep quiet for a while, would you?"

_Okay._

Simon waited as the door opened with a clang, and a dark-bearded Dwarf stepped in. "Honeydew."

"Stonefist." Simon replied, warily.

"I suppose you're wondering what's going to happen, huh?" Stonefist asked a mean grin on his face.

Simon nodded, grimacing. He'd never liked Stonefist- he'd been close friends with that bigoted Dwarf from the mines.

"Well, I'm sure your pleased to know that Frank escaped the fire unharmed," Stonefist said with sickening glee, "Unfortunately, Roger wasn't so lucky. The doctors aren't sure he'll make it."

"Oh," Simon said, feeling as if the air had been sucked from the room. The images of Roger's kind, unjudging face flickered past his eyes.

"You'll be summoned later to the court to receive your punishment." Stonefist finished, though Simon never really heard him. Chuckling cruelly, the horrible Dwarf left the cell, locking it behind him.

It was a few moments before Simon registered anything but the images of Roger's kind face.

_Honeydew? Simon? Are you alright?_

Simon gulped. "I may have killed a man."

_Oh._

"A good man."

_Simon-_

"Why am I such a failure?" Simon said, a lump forming in his throat. He curled his knees up to his chest, hugging them close.

_Simon, you're not a failure._

"Yes I am. I can't do anything right."

_You can't say that! You said you were good at TNT, right? And drinking competitions?_

"But my TNT isn't that good… just big… and pretty."

_That counts as good in my books. Look, we've both got our problems, okay? Let's just not get wound up in them._

Simon nodded slowly. "Thank you, Lewis. I really hope you're not a figment of my imagination."

_The same to you. If you don't mind, I'm going to sleep._

"Oh," Simon said, frowning. "Okay."

_Goodnight Simon._

"Goodnight, Lewis."

Then silence. Simon, now without even the weird voice in his head to keep him company, was at a loss as to what to do with himself. He eventually decided to curl up and fall asleep.

His dreams where plagued by Roger's kind face, and Frank's scornful voice, and sometimes the blaring of an alarm he didn't recognise.

~᛬ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ᛬~

"Simon Honeydew! Awake, you brute!"

Simon jerked awake to see a Dwarf looking down at him. He sat up and saw that there was in fact a procession of Dwarves waiting to take him away to the court. One Dwarf snatched his arms and cuffed them behind his back, before pushing him forward and out of the cell.

"Lewis." He whispered, not wanting the other Dwarves to hear. He tried his best to project his thoughts to the spaceman. **Lewis?**

There was no response. Perhaps he was still asleep?

Meanwhile, they had climbed several flights of stairs. Simon knew the path they were treading, despite that he'd only visited the courts once before. There wasn't far to go. True to form, a minute later the Dwarves came up to a huge stone arch and pushed through the heavy wooden doors. Inside was a solitary stool standing before a huge table, behind which several chairs and a throne sat. Upon the chairs sat Dwarves, and on the throne sat the king of Khaz Modan.

The Dwarves set Simon on the stool and marched off to guard the entrances.

"Simon Honeydew, you have been accused of treason, arson, unnecessary destruction, and mental instability," One of the Dwarves announced. "What do you say in your defence?"

Simon had to think for a moment. "ah," he said, "it was an accident?"

The Dwarves around the table muttered among themselves for a second.

"Were you unaware that the floor was made of wood, or that wood was flammable?" another Dwarf asked.

"Uh- no, I-"

The Dwarf interrupted again; "Were you unaware that flint and tinder creates sparks, and is usually used to start fires?"

"No, I know what flint and tinder's for-"

"Then I fail to see how it was an accident."

Simon was getting annoyed now. "I didn't mean to set the entire bloody workshop on fire!"

"Actually, our witness says that you were fully intending to light the floor ablaze." The Dwarf gestured to the man beside him, and for the first time Simon realised that Frank was sitting at the bench too.

"He's biased!" Simon yelled desperately.

The Dwarf glared. "Don't be ridiculous, Honeydew. Do you deny that you intended to set the floor alight?"

"Well- I only meant to set the one block alight."

"So you did mean to."

"Yeah."

Another Dwarf spoke now, as the other sat back, looking smug. "Do you deny being mentally unstable?"

Simon thought about this for a moment. He really couldn't say he was sane when he'd just been speaking to a voice in his head. "No."

The Dwarf raised his brows and sat back. All the Dwarves looked up the king, hwo sighed.

"Simon honeydew, you have been found guilty of arson, treason, mental instability and unnecessary destruction." The king announced, and paused, before continuing solemnly; "You are sentenced to banishment from Khaz Modan, on pain of death."

"What?!" Simon shrieked, sounding very unmanly. "Can't I do community service, or something?"

"No" the king said. "Guards, take him out of the city."

Simon felt hand grab him and pull him towards the door. He howled at the Dwarves, calling them all sorts of terrible things, shouting that the council was corrupt. No one paid attention to him.

As the guards pulled him down the steps towards the gates, Simon wept. "Lewis, please talk to me," he said aloud. "Please be real." He begged. He needed someone who would listen. He needed to believe that someone, somewhere, thought he wasn't a failure.

Eventually the guards dragged him out into the main courtyard. Just as they were almost at the gates, a strange sound began. Simon, wrapped up in his sorrows, didn't pay attention.

The sound was a bit like a whistle, but a lot louder and deeper. It was the sound of something breaking the sound barrier. The Dwarves looked into the sky and saw a steak of light going across it, like a meteor. Their first thought was that it might have strange metals they could use; then they realised that it was headed straight for them.

"Take cover!" someone screamed, as the comet sped towards them. The guards hauled Honeydew back into a building, where they were covered with the stone arch.

Simon covered his head as whatever the comet was hit the courtyards, causing an explosion bigger than honeydew could ever hope to make. Shards of stone bounced off him as they flew from the explosion. The explosion didn't last long though- after a moment, the smoke blew away and all that was left was a crater. The guards and Simon went to the edge and peered in, along with all the Dwarves that had been in the courtyard at the item.

At the bottom of the crater lay and angular craft, smoking and broken. Simon stared. It had fallen from space. It was a spaceship! With a cry of hope, he tumbled down the edge of the crater and stumbled towards the ship. The other Dwarves yelled for him to come back, because it wasn't safe- but Simon didn't care anymore. He found a door that ripped open under his Dwarven strength, and stumbled inside.

It was a small machine, on the inside. Though the controls looked immensely complex to Simon, they were in fact very simple for a spacecraft. There was a chair, which Simon stumbled over to. In it a thin man was slumped, unconscious with a large cut on his head.

"Hello?" Simon breathed, touching the man's forehead. The man twitched away from the touch. "Lewis? Are you Lewis?" Simon asked intently.

The man didn't say anything, still unconscious. Simon sighed, wondering what to do. He could still hear the Dwarves shouting outside. There was really only one thing for it. He carefully pulled the spaceman out of his chair, and began hauling him back out of the spaceship. Outside, the Dwarves displayed shock to see that he was carrying a man- they asked him who it was, but he just snarled at them and headed for the gate.

"Wait honeydew! Don't go!"

Simon glared at them all. "If you'll remember, I'm banished. Goodbye now!"

With anger chorusing through his veins, he slung the spaceman over his shoulder and marched out of the gates into the wild.


	2. How not to kill a Spaceman

**Me: Greetings, mortals! Another chapter is here!**

**Jerry: After much confusion and consideration. **

**Me: First Apple wants Egnazol, _now _she wants an idiot's guide... gah. Naw, I'll do anything for you, Apple. :3**

**Jerry: Oh my Notch. She just displayed emotion.**

**Me: SHUT UP JERRY YOU IMBICILE!**

**Jerry: Too much emotion...**

**Me: Anyway, I'm a little dubious about this chapter... it seemed a little bland. Tell me what you guys think! Also, I've decided to make this a proper, long AU, so expect another chapter soon.**

* * *

ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ

(An Idiot's guide to Saving the World.)

ᚲᚻᚫᛈᛏᚫᚱ᛫ᛏᚹᚩ

How _not_ to kill a spaceman.

Lewis was not pleased. Why did stuff like this always happen to him? Not only was he talking to someone in his own freaking mind, now he was paranoid that someone was out to kill him.

His suspicions had begun when he'd had his first visitor. He'd been in his room, recovering from the traumatic near encounter with space, trying to get some sleep after he'd been talking to Simon. There'd been a knock on the metal door, which had opened to reveal Jane, one of Xephos' colleagues and friends.

"Good morning, sunshine," Jane had said upon seeing him lying in bed. "Have a nice sleep?" She made her way into the room without bothering to ask permission, but she didn't need to.

"Thanks for the consideration, Jane," Lewis mumbled sarcastically. "I wasn't sleeping anyway."

"What were you doing then? Talking to yourself?"

Lewis grimaced, though Jane had only meant it as a joke. "At least I'd get a half decent conversation out of it." He tried to pass it off, but he'd never been good at lying. Jane raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment.

"Anyway," Jane said, sitting on the end of Lewis's bed, "We've been doing system diagnostics for the last few hours, trying to figure out how the safety protocols on the airlock were overridden."

"Let me guess," Lewis said morosely, "It was a bug, or a glitch, or something." That would be his luck.

Jane shook her head wearily. "No. there was no record of a bug of any kind… in fact there was no _record_ at all." Here, she leaned towards Lewis and whispered conspiratorially; "Someone had tampered with the records just around when you were fixing the hyperdrive. There isn't any video footage, or coding errors, or anything. Just blank."

Lewis stared at Jane in disbelief. "Are you saying that-"

"Shh!" Jane hissed, slapping her hand over Lewis's mouth. "Don't say it."

Lewis blinked at his friend, bemused. Was she implying that it hadn't been an accident? That someone was out to kill him? What was going on?

Jane stared back at Lewis, her face breaking back into a smile as she stood up. "Well," she said, shrugging, "I thought you'd like to know, anyway. Good health, Xephos!"

Lewis watched, still bemused and shocked, as she marched out of the room and closed the door. She thought he might've wanted to know that someone on this ship was out to kill him? Lewis very much doubted he'd be able to get any sleep now.

"Simon?" he muttered, glancing around the room warily as he spoke, and waiting for the answering thought in his head. But there was no response from the dwarf.

Lewis shrugged, deciding that the dwarf must've gone to sleep when Lewis had said goodnight earlier. He sat up in his bed, thinking deeply about his situation.

One question was loudest in his mind. Why would someone want to kill him? Lewis was an unassuming, humble member of the enterprise, not particularly talented, though he knew what he was doing. He was generally liked by people, though he tended to keep to himself. He didn't have any enemies that he knew of.

He carefully stood up, and began pacing around the room. The doctors had told him to avoid doing so, as his body was still recovering from the trauma of its exposure to space, but honestly Lewis didn't care. If there was someone after his life, collapsing spontaneously would be the least of his troubles.

For a moment, he wished Simon was awake so he could talk to him. It had certainly surprised Lewis to find another entity speaking in his mind, but it hadn't taken long to figure out what was going on. Things like this often happened around the enterprise. He wasn't sure whether Simon actually believed Lewis was real though, as the dwarf had expressed his doubts about his sanity.

Lewis grimaced, shoving the thoughts of the dwarf out of his mind. He had a more pressing situation at hand.

~᛬ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ᛬~

"Xephos! I thought the doctors had confined you to bed rest!" one of the engineers exclaimed as Lewis entered the room.

"Nah, I'm fine," Lewis lied, "I was just curious to find out why the airlock opened." He said this very nonchalantly, hoping the engineer would say something interesting.

"Yeah," the engineer said, wiping he greasy hands on a rag. "It was really weird, wasn't it? I mean, only last week they did a full system diagnostic."

Lewis thought back to the week prior, and recalled the diagnostic. It had taken an entire day, and almost all systems had been down (except for life support, of course). They always did this once a year, and normally it picked up any problems and the ship sailed on for the next year without error. Or at least, an error not caused by living interference. It was all too often that an alien would try to sabotage the ship.

"You would expect them to do a proper job of it," the engineer said, standing up to leave, "Well, good to see you back on your feet, Xephos. I'll be seeing you later." He walked past Lewis and back into the hall.

_Well_, Lewis decided, _He's__ certainly not trying to kill me. After all, he could have just killed me right then and gotten away without suspicion._

Lewis sighed, and began to walk down the corridor in search of another person to question. Unfortunately they all seemed to be congregated at the deck rather than in the rooms- Lewis wasn't sure why, because he'd been out of contact with the happenings on the Enterprise since his accident.

It was after looking around for a while that he finally found someone. It was an explorer on break, and when he heard Lewis' approach, he turned to look at the fellow spaceman. Lewis noticed with alarm that the explorer's face was very pale, as if he hadn't slept for a good week.

"Xephos?" The explorer croaked. Perhaps he had a cold.

"Yes?" Lewis replied, wary of getting too close. He really didn't need to catch a cold on top of everything else.

The explorer stared at him for a moment, eyes oddly vacant.

"Did you want something?" Lewis prompted when the soldier remained silent.

"Oh, yes." The explorer blinked rapidly as he spoke, "Jane. She wanted to see you at the carrier bay."

Lewis frowned. "Why?"

"I don't know."

Lewis stared suspiciously at the man for a moment. "Are you sick?" he asked slowly.

"Just a cold." The explorer confirmed.

Lewis grunted confirmation that he'd heard, then turned and began making his way to the carrier bay. It bothered him that Jane hadn't mentioned this when she'd come to see him earlier- it must have just come up now, he supposed. Perhaps she'd worked out the identity of the person who'd opened the airlock? With that thought in mind, he sped up.

He attempted to come back into contact with Simon a few times as he walked, but there was no response. Apparently that dwarf slept like a log- or like a dwarf, really. Well, talking to Simon could wait, he supposed, even though he was curious to ask more about the dwarf.

He marched into the control area of the carrier bay, and halted in surprise when he found it empty. It was really weird- usually there would have been one person supervising the space craft. Lewis noticed that a piece of paper was sitting on one of the consoles, and he went and picked it up curiously.

"Lewis,

Sorry about all this. I got an urgent call from command about a fault in the system, so I've had to go get that sorted. not sure how long that'll take.

Anyway, the reason I got that guy to bring you here- I realized that the emergency shuttle might have a record of what happened during your incident. I would've done this myself, but as I said, I'm indisposed. you might find this interesting anyway.

The code is 285PH0X. Type it in, and send it to my private server.

Good luck, Jane"

Lewis put the note down, thoughtful. Trust Jane to come up with something as ingenious as this, he thought. She'd always been a bit of a prodigy.

He carefully walked down into the bay, not bothering to put a space suit on or anything. He wasn't planning on actually using the emergency shuttle, after all. He spotted the correct shuttle towards the back of the bay, behind the fighter-pods. There was only one emergency shuttle at the moment, as the others had been blown up in one of those almost-the-destruction-of-the-universe scenarios the Enterprise was often faced with.

He opened the shuttle by entering his own security code, and hopped inside, closing the door behind him. The emergency vessel was quite large, actually; it did need to fit a large portion of crew on it, in case they needed to evacuate. Lewis made his way to the front of the ship, where the control panels were.

Carefully he switched on the interface, and took a chair in front of it. The screen took a few moments to turn on, and then blinked dutifully, waiting for a code.

Eagerly, Xephos typed it in. 285PH0X.

The interface processed the sequence for a few moments, then blinked, and turned itself off.

Lewis frowned at it with confusion. How was he supposed to see the records when it was off?

As soon as he thought that, he heard the roar of the shuttle's engines come online. He tried to dart back and check what was going on, but somehow the emergency seatbelt protocol had been initiated, and he found himself firmly strapped to the chair.

As Lewis tried to wriggle out of the harness, he noticed that the bay's door was opening. The air whooshed past the shuttle and into space, but the ship Lewis was trapped in remained pressurized. One of the great advantages of the shuttle was that its life support systems where held in a different part of the ship, and couldn't be turned off by anyone (barring the system's actual destruction), so whoever was in the ship was safe from sabotage. Unfortunately, Lewis doubted if this advantage would stay this way for long.

The shuttle's engines whined a higher note, and then they were moving. The shuttle shout out of the bay doors and into the emptiness of space, moving at break-neck speeds to some unknown destination.

This was surely the continuation of the attempts on his life, Lewis realized. They'd failed to kill him by the hyperdrive, so they'd used his curiosity and caution to hijack the emergency shuttle with him in it. It was odd, he thought, that the shuttle's systems had been hacked- it _was _supposed to be the most secure system on the ship, after all. It had back-ups and protocols meant to stop just this kind of thing, but they all seemed to be non-functional.

That was when Lewis realized what had really happened. The system hadn't been hacked remotely, or by some outside force- _Lewis _had hacked it, when he'd entered the code he'd gotten from Jane. This of course led to the terrifying idea that Jane had been the one who had tried to kill him, but after a moment's thought he realized that she'd had plenty of opportunities to kill him without suspicion, so she'd probably just been manipulated by some other's plan. The pale, sickly explorer probably had been too, come to think of it. The idea that there were hostile people on the Enterprise made Lewis worry even more, particularly as Jane was involved.

He looked back into the window when a glimmer caught his eye. The shuttle was nearing a solar system now- well, kind of. This solar system had a single sun and only one planet rotating around it. Lewis realised that this was where the shuttle was headed for.

It was going to crash into this planet and kill him in the process.

Lewis dimly wondered what he'd done to deserve this, and congratulated his to-be murderer. _Thank a lot, man._

Quietly, he observed the planet he was approaching. It was small and green and blue, indicating that it probably had life forms on it. Indeed, when Lewis looked to its darkened side, he could see the tell-tale glow of technologized civilisations blinking from its surface.

Absently he wondered if this was what his home planet had looked like. Like all spacemen on the enterprise his age, he had never seen the planet from which they'd originated from. It was supposedly beautiful, with mountains and lush vegetation, interwoven with sharp-angled technology; but of course the spacemen were bound to remember the best bits rather than the mistakes they wanted to forget.

By now, the planet was taking up the entire window. Lewis could see it was speckled with biomes and cities, and wished he could look closer at them.

Then they hit the atmosphere.

The shuttle jerked and a roaring sound filled his ears. His heart was pounding and adrenalin throbbed through his veins, but he remained strapped to his seat, watching his killer approach with wide eyes.

**Lewis. Lewis?**

It was Simon. Lewis wanted to answer, but his mouth wasn't working anymore. He was stuck staring as the planet whooshed towards him.

The shuttle rattled and bumped as it navigated the atmosphere. Lewis had no doubt it would make it through, if just barely- but it was another matter for hitting the planet's surface. Lewis knew that the shuttle wasn't going to slow down and give him a gentle landing; it was going to ram into the earth and kill him.

He was going to die. He was going to_ die._

**Lewis, please talk to me.**

He wanted to. He really did. But he just… couldn't.

**Please be real.**

Simon still didn't believe in him. When he died, Simon would slowly forget about the strange voice in his head, thinking that he'd just been going mad. He'd never believe that that voice had once belonged to a spaceman who had tried his best to make Simon feel better.

He'd just be a figment of the dwarf's imagination.

Lewis opened his eyes and saw a stone complex zooming towards him, tiny faces peering up at him. He closed his eyes again and waited for the end.

_I'm sorry, friend._

~᛬ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ᛬~

**Lewis? Hello?**

**Lewis… wait. Are you Lewis? I don't know whether there are more than one spaceman. Do you **_**know **_**Lewis?**

**Are you planning on responding anytime soon?**

**No?**

**I have pork. You must like pork. Everyone likes pork. If you wake up, I'll give you some.**

… **You really are a selfish bastard. Can't you see I'm desperate? I'm talking to an unconscious body in the hope you'll know a spaceman who's been talking in my head.**

...

Lewis was dead. Probably. But if this was what happened in the afterlife or whatever, it was really weird. Why could he still hear Simon? And why was it dark?

Perhaps he could respond. Did he still have a mouth, if he was dead? Perhaps he could just project his thoughts.

_Simon?_

**Lewis?! Oh thank god, I was beginning to think I was going mad and I really didn't need that on top of everything else and- wait. But this spaceman isn't talking… he must be someone else, I suppose. Oh well, I've probably saved him from a terrible life with dwarves.**

_Life with dwarves can't be so bad if your one of them. But how did you save a spaceman? Tell me what happened._

**Well, I was being dragged out of Khaz Modan when we saw this comet coming through the atmosphere. But it wasn't a comet- it was a spaceship, just like you told me about! I went inside and found this weird man, and I dragged him out and took him away with me. I thought he might be you, because you're the only spaceman I know.**

_Oh. Wait. Describe the spaceship._

**Well, it was long and angular. It was mostly white, but it had a bright red stripe along the side-**

The emergency shuttle.

Lewis opened his eyes. "Bloody hell."

"Ah, he's awake!" a voice cried. Lewis looked around to see a short, bearded man smiling down at him. "Maybe I can ask who he is, and you might've heard of him."

Resting his face in his hands in exasperation, Lewis groaned. "You idiot, Simon."

"Wait, what?" the Dwarf, who Lewis knew as Simon, said, "How the Nether do you know my name?"

"Because I'm _Lewis_," Lewis sighed, impatient.

Carefully, he took stock of his surroundings. He appeared to be lying on some soft grass under a large oak tree, in the middle of the forest.

Simon stared at Lewis suspiciously. "But I was just talking to Lewis, and you didn't speak."

_Apparently I don't need to speak out loud, _Lewis told him through his thoughts, frustrated.

"Oh my Notch!" Simon said, now dancing around the room in excitement, "It's you! I'm not going mad! I'm telepathically linked with a spaceman!"

Lewis laughed at the dwarf's relief, studying him as he did so. Simon was quite a bit shorter than him, but not quite as short as you might expect a dwarf to be. He had a bright red beard and corresponding hair, most of which was disguised by a metal helm with short horns coming out either side. His chest was bare, except for a thick leather strap connected to two metal shoulder plates he wore. He also wore thick grey pants.

Simon was laughing hysterically now, and Lewis too the chance to sit up and make sure he still had all his limbs. Apart from some bruising and a nasty cut to the head, he seemed to be fine- particularly considering that the crash had been supposed to be fatal. He looked around at the forest with interest.

"Simon, where are we?"

* * *

**For anyone who was wondering, I honesly have never watched Startrek or played World of Warcraft, so I have no idea what I'm wiriting about. I'm just making it up as I go along (and using spaceship knowledge from Stargate. I love Stargate.)**

**SO THERE.**

**And also, sorry if i didn't elaborate more on what happened to xephos. I can give him a flashback in the future, if you like.**

* * *

Guest number 2: This story is one of the best things I've read. Even though this is the first chapter, it's the best thing ever.

**Wow. Thanks!**

Guest number 1: This is one of those stories that make you rethink on how it all began. I would like to see Xephos' point of view for the next chapter, just to know what happened. And if you plan on doing another, do a mix of the two.

**Yeah, this plot bunny's been bouncing through my head for a while. I like to think it's unique.**

BlackPanther10: OMFG THIS IS SO AWESOME YES TELL US WHAT HAPPENED TO LEWIS YOU ARE AMAZING YAY EPIC STORY THUMBS UP GIVE US MOARMAORMAGsnnkKKdksjcoskqll ckOALXKXKQMDKQLVLS  
...*ahem* Great work, can't wait for moar (MOARMPSRMFMLWQPPXFKEM), woo bye!

**HEAR HAVE SOME MOAR. rkjn;ewstrujnerjnMOAR IN FUTUREwlagrubaejbav**

BlessedMC: :D IT'S BEAUTIFUL. And yes, doing the next chapter from Xephos' POV would be amazing. -Wish out!

**IT IS. AND IT IS DOUBLY SO NOW YOU HAVE SAID THAT.**

WildcatInk: Definitely do Xephos' point of view next chapter! This is definitely one of the more unique origin stories I've read!

**Thanks! I like to keep things interesting.**

* * *

**Sorry if I forgot anyone (I know I did) but it's so laaaatttee...**


	3. How not to build a house

ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ

(An Idiot's guide to Saving the World.)

ᚲᚻᚫᛈᛏᚫᚱ᛫ᚦᚱᛖᛖ

How _not_ to build a house

(But how to make a home)

Simon's hysterics faded into chuckling. "We're in Minecraftia."

"Duh," Lewis said exasperatedly, "But _where_ in Minecraftia?"

"Oh. Some forest biome that I don't know the name of. We're about five chunks from Khaz Modan."

Lewis desperately wanted to ask why they weren't in Khaz Modan, but remembered Simon's words, 'I was being dragged out of Khaz Modan…' and decided it was best not to. Simon hadn't asked why he'd suddenly fallen from the sky, so Lewis ought to return the favour anyway. It seemed both of them were having some bad days that they would really rather forget.

Simon was looking at the spaceman curiously. "Lewis, how are you going to get back? Into space, that is?"

Lewis grimaced back. "I don't think I can," he admitted, "As far as I know, Minecraftia's technology is far too primitive to use for space travel." He wasn't entirely sure he _wanted _to go back; if he did, he probably wouldn't survive the next attempt on his life. It was safer here, in that respect.

"Oh. So you're staying here?" Simon asked slowly. Lewis could see the glimmer of hope in his eyes.

"Yup. I don't know much about this place, so it's best if I stick around you; if you don't mind?" Lewis only asked to be polite- he could see that really Simon wanted his company, even if he was too stubborn to say so.

"I suppose," Simon said cheekily, "you'd have to pull your weight, though."

Lewis snorted with laughter.

"Right." The dwarf said determinedly after a moment. "What we're going to have to do first is find a biome to start in."

"Okay" Lewis said, wondering what kind of biomes there were in Minecraftia. "Where do we go?"

Simon looked around for a moment, thinking. "Well, there's a river just over that way. I'll Craft some boats, and we can sail down that until we find somewhere."

Simon stared walking away, and Lewis hurried to follow. The dwarf disappeared behind some trees for a moment, and when Lewis caught up he found the dwarf by a wide river, punching a tree. The spaceman watched in fascination as the wood cracked and bent under the dwarf's hard fists, until it vanished with a pop, leaving a rotating log behind.

Lewis frowned up at the tree, which, despite missing a log from the middle of it, was still standing. "What…?"

Simon either didn't hear him or was ignoring him, as he continued to punch down another two logs, and turned to leave the tree missing most of its trunk. He held one of the logs in the palm of his hand, which transformed in a flash of light into a few wooden planks, before again transforming into a single, patterned bench. Simon placed this bench on the ground, which quickly changed into a full-sized block.

Lewis watched this entire thing with confusion at the utter disregards for the laws of physics.

"So…" he said slowly, "this is Crafting?"

Simon didn't look up as he began placing more wooden planks on the bench. "Yeah. Normally only Minecraftians can craft, but I picked up the genes from my mum."

Lewis took this to mean that the ability to do these physics-defying things were a trait passed through a specific DNA segment. He considered this as he watched the wooden blocks flash and turn into two miniature boats.

"C'mon." Simon said as he tossed the boats into the river, "Let's go."

Of course, the boats had grown into several times their original size, big enough to fit one person in each. Simon had already in his, and was sitting patiently as the boat moved into the current. Lewis quickly jumped into his own boat, not wanting to be left behind. There were no oars, or any other means to control the boat.

"Simon!" he called, "how does this thing work?"

Simon looked over to see the confused spaceman. "Oh," he said, obviously remembering Lewis's ignorance. "Just will the boat to go where you want."

Lewis stared at his boat incredulously. He was sure if it had a face, it would be giving him an infuriating smile and saying 'U mad, bro?'. He sighed and willed it to go forwards, and much to his shock, it did.

Simon, sailing ahead, looked back at him mischievously. "Bet you can't beat me!" he shouted, before zooming off down the river.

"Hey!" Lewis yelled, "You got a head start!" he willed his boat to follow Simon as fast as it could.

The dwarf was cackling wildly, but he was far ahead of Lewis. Lewis felt Simon prod him telepathically and say; **See ya later, shitlord!**

_Why you little- _Lewis said back, snickering. He knew better than to take Simon's words seriously.

Surprisingly, it didn't take long for Lewis to catch up to Simon. When the dwarf looked back and saw the spaceman steadily gaining on him, his eyes took on a steely look of determination, and he sped up just before Lewis overtook him, making it impossible to tell who was ahead.

Lewis looked over and gave Simon a playful grin. The dwarf grinned back, unmistakable even through his thick beard. In that moment they failed to see what was coming up in the river, and smashed into an iceberg in perfect unison.

"Cold!" Simon yelled as they fell into the freezing water. "This is very cold!"

Lewis went under for a moment, before coming back up, gasping for air. The water was literally icy. They dwarf and the spaceman swam back over to the bank, and crawled out of the ice-cold water, shivering.

"Bollocks," Lewis said, "That was a _bad_ idea."

"Y- yeah." Simon said, shivering and clutching at his bare chest.

Lewis got to his feet and looked around. The ground around them was layered with snow, with tall trees waving in the chilly breeze. There was a strange mountainous formation across the river, which seemed to have frozen over at that point.

"Simon, where are we?"

Simon had gotten to his feet now, and was looking around. "Uh, dunno."

"It's awfully snowy. What on earth happened here?" Lewis said curiously. Simon gave him a strange look for the odd phrase.

"It's a magnificent example of biomes." Simon said gesturing to the snow around them. "This is what they call taiga, I think."

"I see."

"It's beautiful, isn't it? Made by a single man." Simon said.

Lewis snorted disdainfully. "Well, it _is_ very Christmassy."

"What's Christmassy?" Simon said, pronouncing the name awkwardly.

"Oh, nothing," Lewis shrugged, looking around the landscape. "Just something people on the enterprise used to celebrate when it snowed, or something."

"Right," Simon said, walking over to the frozen river, "Look at this ice! There's water underneath, see?" he broke a few blocks of ice with his hands.

"Oh god, don't slip-" Lewis tried to warn the dwarf, who promptly fell in the water again.

"That's very cold," Simon said as he climbed out again, as if the temperature hadn't already been established. "Don't try that, Lewis. You could die."

Lewis sorted with laughter as Simon, shivering again, crossed to the other side of the river and looked up at the mountain.

"See, look at this massive outcropping. Isn't it strange?" Simon commented.

Lewis hummed in agreement, peering up at the shadowed ledge.

Meanwhile, Simon had taken to staring at the sun. "Uh-oh. It looks like it's the middle of the day, and we haven't even started."

"Oh?" Lewis peered up at the sky and saw that indeed, the sun was at its peak. "Is that bad?"

"We'll be in an awful lot of trouble, Lewis, if we don't start soon." Simon said, hurrying off into the forest by the mountains.

"Um, I don't exactly know what to do… other than punch trees." Lewis admitted, watching Simon punch a tree.

"That's okay. Just punch the trees and bring the items back to me." Simon explained shortly, continuing to punch his tree. "Wood. That's the number one priority right now."

"okay." Lewis said, turning away to punch another tree.

"The issue is that when night falls, bad things come out." Simon explained as Lewis punched the wood.

"Why does this tree not fall down?" Lewis wondered aloud, and then registered what Simon had said. "_Oh_. How do we know when night falls?"

"Well, when the sun goes down. When you woke up, the day had just started, if that gives you an idea of the time."

"Ah." Lewis said as he flabbergastedly watched the tiny blocks of wood fly into his chest. "I think your days are quicker than ours."

"Ah. So the sun is going to set relatively soon and we…"

As Simon spoke, Lewis spotted a green thing in the darkness of the mountain. "oh- dude, there's something up there, in the cave," he interrupted. "It's green and… bouncing."

"Is there?" Simon said with interest, turning to look at the thing. As soon as he saw it, he jumped backwards, "Oh Notch almighty, it's a Creeper," He yelped

"It's gone," Lewis told his friend, who wasn't listening.

"… Those are very, very bad…"

"It's gone, Simon," Lewis repeated, walking towards the cave, where he spotted it again, "Oh, look…"

"…They follow you and explode- don't go towards it! It'll see you! Oh my Notch!" Simon gave a panicky laugh, before turning to punch another tree.

"Right." Lewis said, turning away from the creeper's den to look at a white fluffy creature. "What's that? Oh, it's a sheep."

Simon was far away now to have to speck telepathically. **Those thing are very bad, because they blow up, they destroy things- not sheep, of course. Creepers. The green things that look like cactuses. They will blow up and destroy things that you've built, they will kill you…**

Lewis, curious, punched the sheep, which startlingly spurted white blocks. He frowned as they joined the wood in zooming into his chest.

…**where the nether have you gone? Oh, you're over there. **Lewis assumed that Simon had spotted him through the trees.

_I'm punching this sheep, Simon. _Lewis told the dwarf as he began repeatedly punching the sheep.

"You get wool from sheep," came Simon's voice from behind him, and Lewis turned to see the dwarf walking towards him, "That's actually quite useful."

"Oh, was that the white block that came off it?" Lewis asked

"Yeah. And by useful, I mean that it really isn't used for anything important."

"Oh," Lewis laughed, watching his friend dig some dirt seemingly at random, then make his way back the way he came.

"Right," Simon said. "I think we're going to be in trouble. What we need to do now-"

"Get wood," Lewis interjected helpfully, pausing to punch some more wood.

"We've got wood now," Simon said. "Come here and give yours to me, okay?"

Lewis found the dwarf standing next to another one of those benches the dwarf had crafted.

"Where's your wood? I thought you got some," Simon said, looking at him oddly.

"I did!" Lewis protested.

The dwarf gave him a disbelieving look. "Sure. Anyway, I'll craft these into planks…"

Lewis watched the dwarf craft the planks, and said curiously; "So, one log equals four planks?"

"Yeah."

Lewis, after thinking for a moment, tried to will the logs out of his chest like he had willed the boat to move. To his surprise, the blocks appeared in his hand, so he carefully placed them on the table and watched as they transformed into planks.

Simon watched, incredulous. "You have the crafting gene! I didn't know that spacemen could craft!"

"Neither did I," Lewis said, bemused.

"Well, this is rather convenient," Simon said, grinning, he gestured to the crafting table. "We don't need another one of these now, but for future reference a crafting table is four wooden blocks in a square."

"So I can craft things without this table?"

"Only small things, like sticks and torches."

"I see," Lewis said, spotting a brown and white animal by the river. He skipped over to look at it. "Oh, it's a cow. Mooo!" he tried to impersonate the cow, laughing.

"You are getting distracted very easily," Simon commented with amusement from the crafting table as Lewis began to punch the cow.

"Sorry," Lewis said, coming back to the tale to listen to Simon. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Well, try making some sticks," Simon said, "Like this." The dwarf brought two planks out of his inventory, and stacked them on top of each other. They instantly transformed into multiple sticks.

"Okay," Lewis said, copying him and crafting some sticks.

"Now, to make a pick we need the crafting table," Simon said, "We need the middle square to be a stick, we need the bottom centre square to be a stick, and the three top squares to be planks of wood. Or stone, when we get some of that."

Lewis followed his instructions and found himself holding a rather blunt wooden pick. "Okay, I've got a pick," He said, wondering what to do next.

"Oh, Notch. I'm telling you now that I think we're fucked." Simon said, looking at the sun as it slid down the sky. "Cause we're just gonna run out of time"

Lewis shook his head at his friend's pessimism. "We need to get going, then." He followed Simon to a small cliff where sudden black shadows had been cast on its face. "Why is it so dark?" he wondered aloud. Looking at the darkness reminded him of looking into space from the enterprise, to his horror.

"Yeah, I'm not sure what's going on there," Simon said, shrugging and walking away again. "We're in a bit of a hurry to find coal now…"

Lewis shuddered as he looked away from the inky blackness to follow the dwarf. To his dismay, the dwarf had disappeared. _Where have you gone Simon? I'm lost. _He looked around for a landmark, and spotted the crafting table. _There are lots of cows and sheep here. I'm just going to stay at the crafting table._

"Well, the problem is that you might have to travel quite a long way to find some coal." Simon said as he appeared behind the spaceman.

"What's the best way to find coal?" Lewis asked, relived to see the dwarf again, "And why do we need it?"

"Well, we use coal to make torches, with give us light." Simon said, as Lewis began to punch another tree. "And that's pretty important when things… monsters come out."

"That sounds bad," Lewis said, assuming that the creeper was one of these monsters.

"Now, we have two options," Simon said "We can bury ourselves in a hole until morning and we'll be safe, or we can make a house."

Lewis wondered how burying yourself could be an option. "Let's build a house then," he said, and turned to see Simon already placing blocks under a tree as if he hadn't been going to take Lewis's opinion into account anyway. Lewis snorted and looked up at the tree. "Is it a good idea to build it under a tree?"

"Yeah, I thought we weren't going to have much wood." Simon explained, and then jumped as it suddenly got darker, "Oh notch, it just started getting dark."

Lewis looked around at the rapidly darkening world, the hurried to help Simon place blocks. After a moment, he frowned down at the space inside. "That's going to be awfully small, even for just the two of us."

"Yeah…" Simon laughed in a panicked way.

"Or cozy," Lewis tried to comfort his friend, "It depends on your definition, I suppose."

"Oh notch, quick. Quick. Get inside."

"So the idea is that we're going to go in here and the tree is going to be out roof?" lewis asked, thoughtful.

Simon was still laughing in his panicked way. "We're so screwed…!" he said, slightly hysterical.

"what's wrong with it?" lewis asked, laughing a bit too.

"We're so screwed!" Simon repeated, going inside the hut. "I'm going to cry. I'm putting the crafting table in the house," he added.

"Oh yeah, that's a great place to put it!" Lewis said sarcastically, thinking of the space it would use.

"…we don't have much room," Simon said awkwardly, "It's definitely cozy."

Lewis laughed, and looked around at the moon-lit snow, spotting the sheep and cow. "What about all these sheep?" he said, feeling bad for punching them, "Won't they get eaten?"

"Oh Notch, come in quick! Come in! Close the door!" Simon yelled franticly.

Lewis hopped inside the hut and Simon shut the door behind him. It was so dark he could only just make out the dwarf's silhouette in the faint moonlight coming through the window.

"So," Simon said, "This is how we survive the night in Minecraftia."

The spaceman and the dwarf stared at each other for a moment, before doubling over with laughter.

* * *

Lewis Xephos and Simon Honeydew had found it hard to sleep on the grassy floor, so they'd voted to sit up and talk. Neither mentioned the previous day's events, only trivial things like gossip and funny stories.

One interesting thing that Simon learnt was that he was actually quite privileged to call Lewis by his first name.

"On the Enterprise, we all call each other by our second names, so I would be Xephos rather than Lewis. We only use our first names in private to people who are close to us." Lewis explained.

"So your family?"

"Yeah, and trusted friends." Simon had reflected how funny it was that in two days they had gone from unaware of the other's existence to trusted friends. Well, that's what traumatic experiences do to you.

"Dwarves are slightly similar," Simon said, "We have a second name, like mine's Honeydew. It's used for people who don't know me very well, but anyone can call me Simon if it feels appropriate."

"Ah," was Lewis's thoughtful reply.

"…Do you like bees?"

* * *

In the morning, Simon and Lewis ventured out and, after a challenging battle with a few skeletons, began searching for coal.

"Uh, I'm starving", Lewis said. He hadn't eaten in at least a day, and he'd only made it this long because spacemen were used to going long periods with little food when crossing galaxies.

"Oh," came the reply, and an apple landed in the snow beside the spaceman. "There you go."

Lewis bit into the apple hungrily. "What other Foods do you have in Minecraftia?" he watched as the dwarf wandered off along the mountainside, slowly following.

"Well, there's pork. You get pork from pigs. Have you seen any pigs? You can also grow wheat and make bread, and there's cake, and cookies. These are all things we can craft from ingredients, of course."

Lewis hummed in interest, noting the limited repertoire of food. He saw Simon making his way along the bottom of a cliff, and followed him closely.

"Are you right behind me?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay. There's a sort of a strange kind of cave thing here." Lewis saw the dark cave that Simon was describing. Beams of light where streaming down from a hole in the roof, but most of the hollow was in shadow. Simon was peering into the darkness. "Oh Notch, it's very dark in there…"

"It is very dark", Lewis agreed, watching Simon as he stared up at the stone wall.

"We're basically looking for where there's stone…" Then they both turned in unison to see a vein of coal branching across the side of the hole. "Oh, there it is! Right there! Now we just need to build a way up to it."

"Like a series of steps?" Lewis suggested, looking through his inventory (that's what Simon had told him it was) to find a building material. He settled on dirt. They placed a few layers of it, until Simon realised he could reach it from there and mined it with his wooden pick.

Simon showed Lewis how to craft torches, and quickly Lewis found himself with a decent supply of the match-like items. He placed one on the wall, and it lit up without any help from him. Lewis smiled, comforted by the light, and decided that he quite liked torches.

Simon was exploring the other end of the cave. "I reckon we should make our base out of this cave. This is like a nice, natural sort of…thing."

Lewis couldn't see how this cave could be a house, but he knew Simon was always going to be attracted to stone due to his dwarfish instincts. He decided to go along with it and see how it turned out.

Lewis began flattening out some dirt that was on a different level to the rest of the floor. Simon gave his approval, and moved onto sealing the exits. Lewis, after a minute, went to help him, but quickly ran out of dirt and went back to his original dirt. Simon ran off to salvage the parts from their hut by the river, in particular the door.

**Teamwork! Brofist. **Simon told Lewis as he demolished the hut, giggling.

* * *

Lewis surveyed the cave with a look of triumph. Both ends of the cave were now sealed with dirt, along with the hole in the roof. The floor had been lowered a level or two, so there was more room, and it was lit brightly with torches. In the short time they had finished sealing it from the mobs outside, Lewis had grown quite fond of the cave, going to the point where he asked Simon what it should be called.

"Hm," Simon said, thinking carefully.

After a moment, Lewis suggested 'The Big Cave'. He'd never been good at names.

"Well, it is a cave," Simon agreed, "But what else? It's quite cozy, it's strong, it's keeping us safe, it's fairly crap…"

"The crapcave." Lewis said laughing, thinking just how true that was.

Simon was laughing too. "Yup- This is the Yogcave."

* * *

**Haha. Guess what Yog means in dwarf? Crap.**

**So, the end of another chapter. Yes, I know that it was pretty much a re-write of the first episodes, but it was too tempting. Too many people skip the first episodes. I'm pretty sure that what Simon and Lewis say is copywrited, so I'll disclaim; large sections of the dialogue in this chapter were copied directly from the orginal videos made by Simon Lane and Lewis Bradley. I don't own those bits.**

**I can't be assed replying to my wonderful reviewers, though I distinctly remember one of them mentioned cake. I love cake. Expect cake in future.**

**REVIEW, OR NO MORE CHAPTERS FOR YOU.**


	4. How not to respect sacred Pig Islands

**Jerry: Intoducing…. LOZ THE FANTASIC MAGICIAN OF SPAGHETTI!**

***claps***

**Me: Thank you, thank you. NOW SILENCE. I just decided to put this up here because I might as well put the next bit in a separate chapter. Eh.**

**Jerry: You are lazy.**

**Me: You only just realised? Pft. Also, since different Minecraftian cultures don't exist in my version of Minecraftia, I changed Japanese to Elven. Since we have Dwarves, we might as well have elves. And plus, Dwarves traditionally scorn elves (I can totally imagine a Dwarf impersonating an elf in a squeaky voice like Simon's), so it's perfect. Kind of. Eh.**

* * *

ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ

(An Idiot's guide to Saving the World.)

ᚲᚻᚫᛈᛏᚫᚱ᛫ᚦᚱᛖᛖ

How _not _to respect sacred floating pig islands

Simon opened his eyes, blinking in the bright torchlight of the Yogcave. His large black eyes were more suited for dark places, and he made a note to build himself a separate, darker room to sleep in at some point- Lewis seemed to love torches and placed them wherever he could.

The Dwarf wriggled into a sitting position from where he'd been lying in the dirt, stretching his arms with a satisfying crack. The pair hadn't bothered crafting beds, even though there were plenty of sheep around, partly because it didn't feel right and making beds should be a milestone, and partly because Simon had no idea how to craft a bed.

The Yogcave was quite warm, Simon noted, either because of the multitude of torches in there or the two sleeping bodies. With a frown, he began making his way around the Yogcave and taking down all the unnecessary ones, hoping that Lewis wouldn't notice.

The Spaceman in question was currently curled up in his own patch of dirt, chest rising and falling slowly as his slept. Simon, having dimmed the cave to a bearable light, smiled mischievously as he took in his friend's vulnerability.

Quietly, though there was really no need to be quiet, the Dwarf crept over, took a deep breath, and yelled at the top of his voice;

"GET UP YA LAZY BASTARD!"

"AH!" Lewis shrieked, sitting up quickly, wide awake.

Simon was roaring with laughter, clutching his sides. Lewis angrily shoved him away and he simply rolled over and continued laughing. It was a while before he could register anything but Lewis's shocked expression, but finally he lapsed into giggles and realised that Lewis was standing above him now, staring down at him disapprovingly.

"Was that really necessary?" Lewis said, sighing and walking across the Yogcave to inspect a torch, "Also, is it darker in here?"

Simon supressed a snort; trust Lewis to notice the absence of too many torches. "No, you're just imagining it," he lied.

"Oh," Lewis said, shrugging and looking around again, "Do you know if it's morning? We don't have any windows, except for the door."

"Uh," Simon said, realising that he actually had no idea what time it was, and he actually might have woken them both up in the middle of the night, "Yeah, that's a problem, having no windows. I have no idea what the time is."

Lewis laughed and walked over to the door, swinging it open and peering outside. "Well, it looks like its morning."

"Does it?" Simon said, pushing past the Spaceman to look up at the sky. The Spaceman was right of course, but Simon felt it necessary to add; "It's definitely morning," as if the matter had needed confirmation.

"Okay. What are we doing today?" Lewis said, turning to close the door behind them.

"Well, we need glass and we need pork," Simon said, thinking about how hungry he was. He hadn't eaten since who-knows when. "We get pork from pigs, obviously. Have you seen any pigs?"

"No…" Lewis said, thoughtful. Simon was slightly disappointed, as Lewis seemed to notice every mob around.

"Well, we get sand from a beach," Simon suggested, thinking that they could see if any pigs were around as they searched for sand. He was_ really _hungry.

"A beach. Should we find higher ground? Is that the idea, climb the mountain and see if we can see some sand?" Lewis said, beginning to jump up the mountain.

"Yeah…" Simon said, thinking that there had been some sand back down at the river- but he let Lewis go along with the mountain idea. It would be go to see where they stood in the world. Suddenly, he heard a sharp hiss from ahead. "Did you hear that?"

"What's that?" Lewis said warily, and Simon remembered that the Spaceman had never had a run in with this mob. "It's like a hiss…"

"I was a spider," Simon said, beginning to climb up the mountain again, Lewis following. "I can hear them up ahead."

Indeed, when they moved around a tree Simon spotted a spider up ahead, and pointed to it as he walked towards it, saying "Oh, there it is-"

At that moment, another spider dropped down off the tree right in from of him, and he jumped backwards in fright, yelling curses which dissolved into hysterical laughter.

Behind him, Lewis laughed too, until suddenly he yelled "Oh fuck, they're coming!"

Simon's laughter stoped and he looked to see the first spider rushing towards them with fury in its red eyes. "Fuck! Just run away! Run away!"

The Dwarf and the Spaceman went running down the mountainside, not looking back to see if the spiders were following. Simon headed straight down to the beach, not wanting to waste any more time on looking around. They still needed to find pigs!

"Come on, this way," he called to Lewis, "There should be sand… oh yeah, I can see It." he added as they approached the frozen river. Indeed, a lot of the shore around the beach was comprised of sand, and Simon wasted no time in getting out his stone shovel and beginning to dig through the sand. The tune to his favourite digging song played in his head.

"How much sand do we need?" Lewis called, obviously digging too.

"Uh, not that much, actually," Simon said, but kept digging anyway, "But I'm getting a lot here, I brought my shovel…"

"Ah, so did I," Lewis replied.

Eventually Lewis appeared above his hole, his shovel having broken, and Simon jumped out of his excavation to continue the mission. "Right, the next thing we need to find is pigs. So keep an eye out for pigu that you see," he looked over at Lewis and added, "Pigu is Elven for pig."

"Ah," Lewis said, chuckling.

They walked for a while around the snowy biome, but there were no sign of pigs. They did, however, come across some pumpkins and a chunk error. As Simon had eagerly dug up the orange vegetables, Lewis curiously looked down at the chunk error. Simon was in the middle of explaining about using pumpkins as a light source when he realised that Lewis wasn't listening.

"Are you alright?" Simon said, walking over to Lewis, who was staring down at the chunk error expressionlessly. When Simon touched the Spaceman's arm, Lewis jumped and looked wildly at him. "Lewis?

"Ah, sorry. Nevermind." The Spaceman said hurriedly.

Simon shrugged, deciding that it was probably just some memory of Space and it wasn't his business.

The pair walked back towards the Yogcave, discussing various culinary delights and checking out a few dead-end caves on the way. When they reached their home, they turned and walked along the side of a mountain, always keeping an eye out for pigs.

Predictably, Simon spotted the pigs first. "Pigs!" he yelled, skipping down the hill towards the pink creatures, "there's pigs!" he made an 'ahhhhh!' sound to express his delight, and his hunger, because man was he hungry.

"They've got their own floating base, or something," Lewis said, looking up at the floating island the pigs were running around.

"They're on a floating island," Simon said, laughing at the pigs. He ran over to a ledge on which a pig was precariously balanced, just out of reach. "Come down here!" he yelled at it, "you're a pig! What're you doing up there?"

He heard Lewis laugh behind him as he told the pig to be reasonable, and then began digging the dirt out from underneath it.

"Are you gonna-" Lewis said as the pig dropped onto the ground in front of Simon, who began beating it with his wooden sword. After a moment the pig fell over and vanished, leaving a pork chop behind. "It dropped something small and pink. It looked like a kidney or something," Lewis observed with mild disgust.

"That's my dinner," Simon told Lewis with a giggle, "That's my dinner you're talking about!" not that anything anyone said would stop him from eating it. He was _seriously, seriously _hungry.

As he tried to find a way up, the Dwarf exclaimed frustrated "How do we get up to the bastards?"

"Of Pig Island." Lewis added.

"Pig Island," Simon repeated, sniggering, "the magical floating island of pigs."

Simon finally made his way to the top of the hill and looked over at the pig sitting on the island. It seemed to be watching him patiently with an air that said; did you want something, insolent Dwarf? If Simon could, he would've told the pig exactly what he wanted- a chunk out of its leg.

"Oh notch,"He said to Lewis, though the Spaceman seemed to be over the other side of the hill so would only have heard him telepathically, "I'm going to have to build a bridge over there. There we go."

He made the bridge and jumped across. The pig got to its feet and fearlessly stared at him, as though it knew what was coming and didn't care. It was rather touching.

Simon shrugged and then beat it to death with his wooden sword, holding its porkchop with glee. He couldn't wait to eat it. He saw Lewis come over the ridge of the hill, and in a moment of stupidity he took a step back and tumbled right over the edge of the island.

"Waaah…" he cried feebly, and then landed on the top of a tree with a bump.

"Are you okay, friend?" Lewis asked, looking down at him from the hill.

"I may have torn some vital muscle that's keeping me alive," Simon replied, sorely getting to his feet.

"Oh, okay then," Lewis replied, disappearing over the hill again. Simon gave a grump of annoyance at being dismissed so casually, and climbed his way off the tree.

He walked around the hill in the hope of spotting more pigs, but the only found a bit of coal. Before he could think about it, he found himself eagerly mining it out.

Telepathically, he heard Lewis say; _Ah. Pig Island._

**What a beautiful and magical place it was. **Simon added, picking up all the coal he had mined and walking back out.

Lewis was jumping down the hill, smiling. When he spotted Simon, he asked; "What now? Do we bring our spoils back home and cook them?"

"That's_ exactly_ what we do."

ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ

Simon the Dwarf and Lewis the Spaceman sat comfortably in their Yogcave, eating their hard-earned pork with relish.

"Ah," said Simon as he took in a deep breath of warm air, "take in that air." The Yogcave was heavy with the smell of cooked pig.

"It's really how you want it to smell," Lewis agreed as Simon took a bite of his pork.

They finished their meals at about the same time, Simon giving an amazing belch of appreciation, and Lewis wandering to finish mining some coal he'd left half-done. Simon, while the Spaceman was gone, decided to attempt to make a jack-o-lantern.

Was it coal and a pumpkin? Or a stick too? Or… yes! A torch under a pumpkin. He turned away from the crafting table and placed the lantern on the ground.

The lantern flared, lighting a fearsome face carved into its side.

"Ah!" Simon said, appalled, "It's horrible!"

Lewis, hearing the Dwarf's exclamation, came around the corner to look.

"Ooh!" the Spaceman chirruped with delight, "that's lovely," he said as he sidled closer to the light.

Simon snorted, personally thinking that the lantern was really rather disturbing, but not wanting to upset his friend. "You craft it with a torch under a pumpkin," He told the Spaceman.

Lewis immediately crafted another one and placed it on top of the first.

Simon, shaking his head, turned to look at the rest of the cave. It was brighter, now, with the lanterns adding to the light. "It's very homely," he observed as he looked at the stone and dirt walls.

"I dunno," Lewis replied from behind him, "There's still snow on the floor here."

Simon turned to the Spaceman, frowning. "You're very picky, aren't you?"

Lewis laughed, and began digging up the snow. Simon shook his head despairingly, then realised something.

"Actually, I have quite a lot of wood in my inventory." Simon said, "So we could cover the floor with wood."

"Now you're talking."

"There we are, look, I've made 15 glass." Lewis said.

Simon already had his own glass, and was amused when the Spaceman threw all his glass from his hand at Simon while making a 'bleeaargh' sound. Simon smiled and made his glass fly out of his own mouth and made the 'bleaaargh' sound back. For a few moments they continued this until Lewis gave up and ended up with all the glass.

"Okay," the Spaceman said, laughing.

"Do you like the entrances I've done?" Simon asked. The floor had already been converted to wood, and Simon had put in four large windows, two at each end of the cave.

"Yeah man. They're awesome." Lewis replied honestly.

Simon grinned at the Spaceman, who turned and investigated a few dark spots in the cave. Simon walked off, and rummaged through a few chests he'd made. Now the floor was finished and they had windows, the whole place had taken on a kind of cottage feel, the dirt and stone fading into the background.

Lewis came walking back over, and Simon turned to talk to him.

"Look I made an axe," he said, and proceeded to whack Lewis with it, almost decapitating him.

"Ow!" Lewis exclaimed, jumping backwards, "that hurt!"

Simon, horrified by his own clumsiness, dropped the axe and ran over to his friend. "Shit, sorry," he said, trying to look at Lewis's shoulder. He saw the trickle of blood and the ripped fabric and winced.

"It's okay, it's not deep," Lewis assured him, backing away from the dismayed Dwarf and applying pressure to the wound. "You bastard," he added playfully, opening the door and walking out into the snow.

"Sorry," Simon repeated as he followed the Spaceman outside. To his surprise, he spotted a pig just under a tree nearby, probably on a pilgrimage to pig island.

"I'll kill this pig for you," Simon said to Lewis, bounding up the slope and beating the pig to death.

"Aw, I love you." Lewis said appreciatively.

~ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ~

"I want to build a tower here, Simon," Lewis said. Simon was walking up the slope of the hill as the Space man spoke, and looked up at him with interest. Lewis was gesturing wildly at the roof of the Yogcave and the hills around it and eventually he sky, "An enormous tower towering out of this icy mountain," he elaborated.

"You got a lot of ambition," Simon said, "but can you back that up?" of course he could, simony reminded himself, Lewis was almost as stubborn as he was.

"It should be stone, I think…" Lewis said, walking down closer to the roof, "There's a creeper on the roof, Simon."

"Oh notch," Simon said, coming over to look.

"What is it?"

"I don't know. I don't think it knows. That's why it's so angry, because it's having some sort of identity crisis… or at least, that's my theory."

"Hm," Lewis said as they walked back down the hill to the Yogcave, "Well, we've got a lot to do."

"Lewis, why is there a giant mushroom outside our front door?"

* * *

**Well, there's your fix of An Idiot's Guide for the moment. I was going to expand it a bit, but meh. Apologies for all the scrambling of the episodes and timing and so-such. CREATIVE LICENCE. Eh. Anyway, because I'm too lazy to give full replies to the reviews, as amazingly beautiful as they are, I'll just say; Yes, the cake was a lie. Yes, that does make the Yogscast the Crapcast and we will hear more of this later. Yes, the Lewis' wonderful relationship with torches is amazing will be continued through the entire fic. And lastly, thank goodness you're all enjoying this, because I thought it was a bit bland. IT GETS INTERESTING NEXT CHAPTER. PROMISE. **

**Speaking of which, you guys understand that this is AU, and will veer a lot from the original path taken by the Yogscast, right? But if you want me to continue re-writing the cannon instead, just say so.**

**Eh.**


End file.
